Cow Tales: I Decided Not To Ask
by Insolent Muffin
Summary: Have you ever wondered what would happen if the FF8 characters got together with a certain farm animal? Here's your chance to find out. Warning: Only read if you're completely crazy.


COW TALES: I DECIDED NOT TO ASK  
  
POSSIBLY THE MOST POINTLESS STORY EVER WRITTEN  
  
  
DISCLAIMER:(In a robotic voice) I OWN NOTHING. I AM MERELY A SERVANT OF HUMANKIND. I HAVE NO RIGHTS. I WILL DO WHAT I AM TOLD. SUE ME AND YOU WILL ONLY GET MY SCRAP METAL.(actually, this guy/girl I know owns the cow. Its name is Eht Woc.)  
  
Big Fat Note Thingy: This story started one day when one of my friends asked me, "What do you think is the grossest way to die?"(you don't want to know what /that/ has to do with cows.) It ended with this annoying guy/girl following me and my friend around for the rest of our lives. So now you know why it's so demented. Anyway, it's written from a first-person point of view, with no mention of who the "first person" is. I guess you can assume it's Rinoa. Or, if you're feeling creative, print the story and insert the name of someone with a fear of cows wherever it says "I". By the way, if you didn't already know this, a heifer is a kind of cow.  
  
  
One day I was really bored, so I decided to go find Squall. He wasn't in his dorm room or his office, so I went to find Laguna. Maybe he would know where I could find Squall. (It's 10:00. Do you know where your kids are?)  
  
I knew I could probably find Laguna in the cafeteria. Well, I did, but it wasn't how I expected. He was standing on a table with a microphone and a karaoke machine, singing, "I love you, cow baby, you're my black and white dream!" A crowd had gathered around him, throwing tomatoes, pizza, ice cream--anything but their hot dogs.  
  
I decided not to ask.  
  
Luckily, Zell was standing in the lunch line, not too far away. Maybe he would know where I could find Squall. When I approached him, I saw a miracle. There were actually a few hot dogs left! But then I saw an even bigger miracle: Zell didn't want them! He was telling the lunch lady, "I can't take a beef hot dog! My girlfriend would be offended!"  
  
"Is your girlfriend a vegetarian?" the lunch lady asked.  
  
"No!" Zell replied. "My girlfriend is a cow!"  
  
I decided not to ask.  
  
So instead I went to find Irvine. He should know where Squall is, and hopefully he was a little saner than everyone else around here. I knocked on the door to his room. When there was no reply, I went inside.  
  
Irvine was sitting at his desk with his feet up, cowboy hat tipped forward. He had fallen asleep. There was a huge smile on his face, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know why.  
  
Looking around the room, I saw hay scattered all over. There was a scrap of paper on his desk. I looked closer, and saw that it was covered with doodles of hearts and stuff like "Irvine Cow" and "Cow Kinneas".  
  
I decided not to ask.  
  
Then I got an idea. Surely the headmaster would know where Squall was.   
  
On the way to Headmaster Cid's office, I passed Seifer. He was spray painting graffiti on a wall. It said, "Seifer + Heifer 4-ever".  
  
I decided not to ask.  
  
When I got to Cid's office, I saw he was on the phone. So I sat down and waited. While I was waiting, I saw some interesting stuff on the desk. For example, there were divorce papers. Maybe it wasn't working out for Cid and Edea. Then I saw a framed picture of a wedding scene.  
  
Looking closer, I saw that it was a picture of Cid in a tuxedo, kissing a cow in a wedding dress.  
  
That's when I noticed what he was saying on the phone. "Don't worry, my little spotted honey, I'll be home soon, and then you can make some fresh milk for me."  
  
Running as fast as I could out of the office, I decided not to ask.  
  
There was one more person who might know where Squall was : Nida. (What happened to all the girls? They mysteriously got sucked into a time warp and compressed to the size of one millimeter square.)  
  
When I got to Nida's room, he was nowhere to be found. Then I heard a call from the bathroom. "I'll be right out. Make yourself at home." Then he added "Oh, and don't worry about the baby. It's mine."  
  
Puzzled, I glanced around the room. There was a baby sitting on the floor, playing. But there was something odd about it. There was a tail sticking out of it's diaper. And it had a cow's head.  
  
I slowly backed out of the room.  
  
And I decided not to ask.  
  
Nobody seemed to know where Squall was. But when I saw Selphie (who had somehow managed to escape the time warp), she told me "He went to his uncle's farm. He should be back soon."  
  
I didn't know Squall had an uncle, never mind a farm. But he did get back--at 3:00 in the morning.  
  
He was wearing his jacket in place of his pants. His pants were on his head, shoes on his ears. He just looked mismatched and rumpled in general.  
  
There was hay sticking out of his clothes, and he had a milk mustache.  
  
And there was a cow pie on his head.  
  
I decided not to ask.  
  
THE END  
OR IS IT?  
(okay, don't kill me. I'm not trying to be a good writer here, as if you couldn't tell. I just wrote this to make my friends laugh. I thought some of the crazier ones of you might like it. And for all you crazy ones, this one guy/girl who's never played FF8 read it, and halfway through, he/she exclaimed, "Is Squall a cow?" Think about that.) 


End file.
